Bill Clinton is My Dad

Today, in this writing, I would like to be one of the first people to come forward with a startling public confession, "President Bill Clinton is my dad!"

Now, before someone gets excited and starts phoning "A Current Affair" TV program, please hear me out. I would like to explain a perspective which many of Bill Clinton's other children (there are literally millions of us) are not willing to admit holding to. Although we have left our natural homes and are old enough to drink adult beverages or fight in wars, we still need a dad to take care of us. We want our lives--and your lives--managed by a national dad.

On Nov. 3, 1992, we voted ourselves a new dad. Some of my brothers and sisters are unhappy with our new dad because they feel he's logically challenged and morally impaired. They want a national dad who will, for the most part, leave their lives alone for them to manage themselves. We are very suspicious of these siblings who want to manage their own lives.

These black sheep are "radicals" who believe in the concept of each person bearing the responsibility for his or her own actions, succeeding or failing solely from their own efforts.

What bothers us the most is that these ungrateful children seem to have the cunning ability to succeed without the help of a national dad. Beside themselves, they say they only rely on God and their families. This cannot be permitted!

We will encourage and support our new dad in taxing and regulating these radicals to the point where they are forced to become as dependent and paternalistic as the rest of us children. We realize this will be a monumental challenge, but we are up to it.

These radicals have a champion who says things which make them happy. This man believes people should be independent, self-reliant, rugged individualists and fully accountable for their own actions. (Imagine that!)

This radical's name is Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh makes fun of our dad, Bill Clinton. Anyone who is not in agreement with our dad is obviously "full of hate" and does not have the real interests of the nation at heart. Limbaugh may very well be the most dangerous man in America. We must adjust the first Amendment to the Constitution and hush Rush!

While representing the perspective of many of my brothers and sisters, I believe I can assure Americans that Mr. Rush Limbaugh and his "dittoheads" (kindred spirit followers) will be no match for the genius of our dad. Rush had better quit tying half his brain behind his back (as he says, "just to make it fair") and start using all his brain, as President Clinton does. As Americans, we got the dad we deserve and we will be under his paternal care for seven more years. "Mr. Limbaugh, you will be counting the days for a long time, you harmless little fuzzball."

If anyone is shocked that "I" would confess Bill Clinton as being my dad, then check your premises and you will understand.

--Kenneth J. Wolf #27 (01/08/94)

Return to Captured Thoughts